As parents, educators and caregivers are we paying attention to whether our children are excluders OR the ‘excluded?’

Rejection shows up in many ways. Here are a few:

Hurt in the words.

Sarcasm in the voice.

Behaviors that say, “You don’t belong.” “You are not wanted.” “You are not safe here.”

Feelings of profound sadness. Isolation.

The kids who are the last to be picked for the team.

A visibly ‘different’ adult sitting alone at a party.

A recent tragedy underscores how crucial it is to pay attention to situations where people send out a loud SOS for help with rejection. William Freund, a 19 year-old young man with Asperger Syndrome pleaded for help on an internet forum, conveying his despairing loneliness and inability to help himself find solutions. By the time anyone took him seriously, it was too late; he had killed two people, wounded another and fatally turned the gun on himself in October of this year. He had put out a plea for help worldwide, one could say, and no one helped him know that it could all be worked out.

Tune into rejection issues!

Here are ten tips and some tools to help challenging loved ones reduce their vulnerability to rejection:

1. Hone your radar to pick up rejection.

Heighten your attention to what is happening with the vulnerable children and adults that you work or live with. Do not presume they can come to you and label their feelings. Call upon your own childhood memories. Were you teased, bullied or isolated by peers? Or were you a witness to children who were? Make sure you don’t ignore what you see and know.

2. Have conversations to help them interpret social situations.

If your child has behaviors that set himself up as a target, work with him, in little steps, to build a stockpile of social choices that substitute for the intuitive wisdom that may not come naturally. “After you tell your new friend you like hockey, ask him what he likes to talk about.”

3. Help them verbalize any secret pain.

Rejected children know who they are and live inside brains that tiptoe around to get a break or to avoid heartbreak. They don’t learn well or behave too well either, if they are sad. If you are a parent, teacher or caregiver, you know rejection when you see it. You have an important role as a safe person for them to come to.

4. Help them have a plan for how to respond when things happen.

They will need steady guidance from you to learn the appropriate steps in various situations especially if there is a diagnosis such as Asperger syndrome or high functioning autism.

5. Notice who are the players.

Where there is a group, there is a leader. Leaders are gatekeepers of acceptance; our challenging loved ones don’t know how to navigate the politics of groups. They need extra protection. You may need to guide the leader. Or you may need to deal with a ‘boss.’ Girls tend to have a different style of excluding. They do it more privately. It is difficult to create outright acceptance when kids or even adults want to make their own choices in the company they keep, but you can set out clear expectations and boundaries about how people are to be treated.

6. Make sure your child knows what wonderful talents or strengths he has going for him. [And every one does!]

Send ongoing reminders. Help her develop the happy feelings of pride and competence. Happy children learn better.

7. Show what kindness and tolerance look like.

Model them by making them routine household activities. If you want your child to learn what a nice person does, you have to show AND tell.

8. Keep your love and support solid, despite how challenging it all feels.

When kids and special needs individuals challenge rules, irritate or ‘misbehave’ they may be telling you they are floundering in the chaos of not knowing how to deal with rejection. Be intuitive about what is going on.

9. Tap into the ‘nice’ kids.

Find designated buddies who can help in challenging situations. But beware this can be tricky business. Teachers and parents must help make this work so neither child feels they ‘stick out’ or have too big a burden in this partnership.

10. Think before you ‘leave them to solve their problems on their own.’

This strategy is not usually a good choice with our challenging loved ones who struggle with social skills. First, they need how-to tools. Until then, it may be too hard to go it alone!

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

Your success in working with people, and especially with your challenging loved ones, is tied to how emotionally intelligent you operate. Keep these tips in mind as you interact with others, in particular if there is a diagnosis, such as Asperger Syndrome or ADHD, where behavior change is a primary goal. By first understanding and working with your own feelings, you can set the stage for magical results with the very challenging people in your life!

1. Know your feelings – and how strong they may be – before you get into action with your challenging people.

2. Make behavior decisions that you will feel proud of. Your style will be their style. “They” learn by watching you and listening to you.

3. Know what others are feeling. Understand that you may not agree.

4. Find the words to convey your feelings without denying someone else theirs.

5. Seek out the good things in a situation, even if they are microscopic or a real stretch.

6. Be persistent – appropriately! Stay on track. Back off the track when you know you will get nowhere right now.

7. Monitor your impulses. Reflect on your own thinking that won’t help in the bigger picture.

8. You may need to withdraw your approval. But in the process don’t withdraw the love.

9. Have tools to manage your emotions before you are swept away by them.

10. Think about how you deliver your message. What would you be feeling if you were on the receiving end? Care about the feelings of the other person. It’s just the good old golden rule.

Refer to and live by these ‘process’ steps as you work with your challenging people and you will begin to see and feel how much easier it all can be.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

Your success in working with people, and especially with your challenging loved ones, is tied to how emotionally intelligent you operate. Here is a quick primer to get you on your way to creating your own personal and productive Emotional Operating System.

10 Tips to Working With Your Emotions – Intelligently!

1. Know your feelings – and how strong they may be – before you get into action with your challenging people.

2. Make behavior decisions that you will feel proud of. Your style will be their style. “They” learn by watching you and listening to you.

3. Know what others are feeling. Understand that you may not agree.

4. Find the words to convey your feelings without denying someone else theirs.

5. Seek out the good things in a situation, even if they are microscopic or a real stretch.

6. Be persistent – appropriately! Stay on track. Back off the track when you know you will get nowhere right now.

7. Monitor your impulses. Reflect on your own thinking that won’t help in the bigger picture.

8. You may need to withdraw your approval. But in the process don’t withdraw the love.

9. Have tools to manage your emotions before you are swept away by them.

10. Think about how you deliver your message. What would you be feeling if you were on the receiving end? Care about the feelings of the other person. It’s just the good old golden rule.

Refer to and live these ‘process’ steps as you work with your challenging loved ones and you will begin to see the bonus you give to yourself.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

When you’re automatic ‘empathy switch’ clicks on, you have stepped outside of yourself, for a few moments and into the shoes of someone else. You let go of your personal opinions, and respond with unconditional kindness and understanding. Your behavior emphatically says “Your feelings matter to me.”

Being empathetic means you completely understand the other person’s current situation as if it is happening to you. When your child’s kitty got hurt, you felt the ache your child felt.

Empathy means you understand the needs of someone else even though you may stand to make a sacrifice. One toddler stares at the other’s snack. The child eating the snack automatically extends his hand to share some – an empathetic act at an early age.

Empathy does not necessarily mean agreement. Your teen’s groups of friends are going to another friend’s house after the movies. The parents are not going to be home. Your rule is parents must be home. You understand how frustrating and unfair that feels to your teen and you may say so. Nonetheless, you set your limits despite your child’s protests.

Having genuine empathy requires many little sub skills, including:

* understanding feelings

* accepting differences

* letting go of conditions

* predicting actions

* interpreting body language

* acting with genuine caring

Empathy is an especially challenging skill for kids and adults who have Autism and Asperger Syndrome. They are often misunderstood and mistaken for being cold or rude. That is because they typically struggle with reading emotions of others. Before they even get to the place where they can be empathetic, people on the autism spectrum need to be directly taught the skills of recognizing the words and body language that communicate how people are feeling. Like anyone else, they have feelings and desires to belong and build relationships.

Teaching empathy requires your modeling it as well as the more direct ’show and tell’ method.

you want to improve how your kids respond to your behavior change program, you may need to fine-tune your reward system. Here are six key questions to guide you to create rewards to a tailor-made fit to your child’s individuality.

1. Do your rewards have enough novelty to keep your child motivated? Even the most fun and unique rewards get old. Keep updated with rewards that propel your children and students to keep working towards a goal. Fine tune and freshen up rewards before their appeal fizzles out.

2. Are you overlooking praise as a natural and easy to deliver reward? Praise blossoms self-esteem. Praise is a compelling motivator. Kids love to hear their parents and teachers be proud of them. Praise the deed. “Good job on the clean-up. I don’t see a speck of dirt!”

3. Are you rewarding for effort? Build success into your behavior program. Make sure your child can count on achievement. If a reward is getting an A, set it up so the child has opportunities to get the thrill of an A.

4. Are your rewards scheduled frequently enough? Remember the objective of a reward is to reinforce positive behavior. That means giving your child encouragement to keep doing the good thing. If the goal is a tougher for your child to achieve, set up your program to give little rewards or partial points along the way for effort or steps taken toward an end goal.

5. Are you keeping the focus on positive behaviors? Play down points not earned. You want your child to keep the thrill of earning in his mind and you do this by keeping the focus on building the points or accumulating the tokens. Allow your child to keep points once earned no matter how the scene may have deteriorated. At times he does not earn his points, that in itself is a penalty so you need do nothing more. Refocus on the positive.

6. Are you following through with your part? Parents, educators and caregivers are busy people and what sometimes is neglected, as a result, is their very vital role. A most common reason that a well-crafted behavior program does not work is because the adults get too busy and those essential and exciting check marks, parent initials or tokens don’t get handed out. If it is impossible to be there consistently, let the tracking system be self-administering, where your child is on the honor system. You might be delighted by how he or she honors the agreement. It is okay to commit only to what you comfortably can do. And you will see, the time you give up now will pay off dramatically in the time and relief that will be your reward.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com